This week was rough but I think we learned a lot. 

8 weeks, I wish I didn’t count 

The neighbors cows are all calve’n right now -it sucks when I see a Momma cow standing by her dead baby-I can’t handle it. Just a little blog vent. 

It’s Starting to warm up so we’re back to being the wasp house. Cannon is terrified of them and has been since he was Seths size, of course he’s the one that kneeled on one and got stung Sat morning. Colt’s our screamer but it turns out Cann sounds just like him...it wasn’t funny but there is a chance we laughed. He was just messing around when he was supposed to be getting his church clothes on -but they do hurt! 

We went to Emma’s baptism then hung out with the Pettit’s in the gym for a few minutes after. We don’t love that the Bakers moved and switched wards but we do LOVE getting to do things with the other ward so in this situation it worked out. After that it was outside time! And everyone was filthy enough to prove it. 

Sunday we got a re-do on our I am a child of God singing project. Just the boys this time since Isaac was already at church and I had to turn the music on the computer then film with my phone. They did wear their Riz ties for me though. I loved the one with Seth (and then Tanner jumped in too) leading but once they watched it Tanner hated it so we sent a different one to Bro Seaman. 

In all our hurry get dressed hurry sing hurry here’s the treat I bribed you with. Oh Crud I’m still in my basketball shorts hurry hurry hurry I managed to forget that church is at 11:30 now. So it was hurry hurry hurry to end up 40 minutes early (we always try for at least 10) 🤦🏼‍♀️ that’s a lot of extra wrestling for me! Seth went running into the 1st wards Sunday school-he was just headed to our normal seat. 😊

We went on that quick sprint trip to Adam-ondi-ahmen last week and it was fun to see Wayne and Teresa but getting this ordered might have been my favorite part. I’m happy with it! I told Isaac when we buried him this is what I wanted for Mother’s Day. They are having a hard time getting granite since Covid so it won’t be here by Mother’s Day but here it is 😊

Monday Colt and Tan had soccer, the boys were all about practicing at home after school too. 
 
Colt had a blast, he loved it. Tan was ticked they just did drills and didn’t get to play much with his group.  He just kept seeing his friends in the others groups getting to play more...maybe I should have lied and said he had experience (that’s how they grouped them...he has 2 older brothers, thats basically experience right?) oh well. Hopefully it gets better. And Tans just tough to please in general right now. 

Today’s big event (circus) was the pump truck was just parked out by the barn (where anyone that would ever come would park) uhhh well that big ole thing was out there just sinking in the Missouri mud. Totally stuck but he eventually got it out (although it’s stuck again now) but as of today because it was stuck I have officially driven the skid steer!!! Not sure if that’s a good thing or not, I could see him ending up “needing” my  help with it more often. Hmm we’ll see. 

Ask me where he got that pile of gravel/mud to work with...our driveway-of course. 

Last time I posted “lots of pics of Seth” I thought oh it’s probably the last time I will do this-our little brother was almost here and sure to steal some of the spotlight. Everything is a reminder things are different than I thought they would be. (I listened to Elder McKay’s BYU speech today though it was really good but I especially liked when he said “Time doesn’t heal anything!!! Jesus heals!!!! And with time Jesus heals EVERYTHING” I might not have got that quote exactly right but you get the idea and I know it’s true-I’m grateful to know!) I’m also super thankful for this little smile and all the extra hugs and kisses  he gives me-I’m sure they really are straight from heaven!  And He loves to have his picture taken-and I love to take it. Win win. 

These big brothers are cute and goofy too! 

I don’t know what else but I better quit I’m tired I’ve been trying to spend a little time in the treadmill lately. Physically it kicks my tail. But,  It’s a good place to run and think and pray and listen and all that kind of stuff.  Really my starting goal is just to be able to run to Riz’s grave. It’s not very far away but Missouri isn’t as flat as I thought either. 😏

Until next time! 

Some hard pics... but a lot got left out from that day after post. 

I was so careful to pick the ones that didn’t look too rough. But as I continue to process things...It was rough!! 

I dunno I wanted them on here so...maybe stop reading now-or close your eyes and scroll down. 

All other ones I posted I tried to make sure his little cheek was always covered. But when Sethy sees this one-or one like it all he sees is Jammies, he yells “Jammies Jammies” with delight. I do love that Seth loves to look at the pictures of Riz. Always. Sometimes I’m a little less up for it than him. It’s up and down for me. 

I made this next one small on purpose. 

Then more from the graveside 


Tan my emotional clone-poor kid- and Sethy looking like “what is wrong with my mom???”






And a few from before we headed over to bury him. We have so much to be thankful for!!

The next few stories are old too-I just think they need posted. Just today though Tan was sitting at the table coloring and singing about/to Riz, so they’re not that old:

-Seth’s finally figured out Riz was who was in my tummy. And he likes to point it and say “Riz”. I say. “Yep, he was in my tummy but he’s not there anymore-he lives in heaven with Heavenly Father” to which Sethy usually says “famee” and I confirm “yes, he’ll always be part of our family” 

-Tanner after being told I wouldn’t take him to Walmart to buy toys SCREAMED at me “Mom our little brother DIED!!!! If you don’t take me to do fun things I’m going to hate this life!!!!” It was heartbreaking at hilarious all in one. He is also constantly making up songs about Riz and how we don’t need to be sad cuz  we’ll see him again. And we can play with him then. 

-I thought Colt was handling it the best but then we had more of the uncharacteristic outbursts from him too. 

-Cann is seriously what I thought it would be like to have a teenager 😩I I’m supposed to have 3+ more years on that-but one day after he’d yell’d at both Isaac and I separately I walked past his room (we’d probably sent him there) and “caught” him looking at a little picture of Riz. This is hard on all of us. 

Isaac-that poor guy doesn’t know whether to hold me or if he’s going to be in trouble for trying. 

So I guess that’s the update...well the old but not that old update. 7 weeks. Can you believe it’s been 7 weeks?? But all of Feb and 3 weeks in March-I guess that’ll do it. 

Anyway...

Last Saturday Isaac had a zoom mtg with Elder Uchtdorf (and about 500 other people) He went into work for it but ended up wishing he would have stayed home. I guess Elder Uchtdorf was so cute about wanting to see the kids on the screen and stuff-our boys would have eaten that up. Oh well live and learn. That afternoon Isaac officiated at a wedding (we found out later one of his students was a bar tender there-ha!) I could tell Isaac was a little nervous but he did a good job. After we ended up chatting with...I guess it would have been one of the Bride’s uncles but found out he actually grew up in Santa Clara-that was pretty cool. We bailed before the dinner and dancing and such (not that that’s a surprise to anyone) but the Pettit’s were tending kids anyway and offered to have ours come too-they’re the best!- We took them up on it, the kids had a great time s and so did we! We just went to Dinner then bought some flowers for Riz’s grave. 

Sunday was just normal except we got to sing 2 lines of I am a child of God for a little pre-Easter thing Bro Seaman is putting together for the stake. It’s supposed to go on the friends of the Nauvoo stake FB page but since I’m anti-Facebook hopefully he’ll email it to me. Then I’d post it here. :)

Monday was my 6 week follow up appointment. The 2 week one went super well but my anxiety was just building and building. Finally last Friday I asked Isaac to go with me-that helped settle me down quite a bit, but Monday as I was dropping Seth off before going the Dr office called and he was in a delivery. We rescheduled for Tuesday. Tuesday as I was leaving the house they called again-I guess he was covering for another Dr this week plus his patients-he had a busy week...and I had a very wound up week. Ug we rescheduled again for Thursday (in 5.5 years I think I’ve only had to reschedule appointments at that office 2 maybe 3 times) Anyway  it was crazy but if I’m blogging about the week —that was it. I was a nervous wreck. But Thursday we did get to go and it went really well. It was just good to chat with him again. I apologized for cussing ✅ phew. He said “you’re forgiven...you’re forgiven for something I don’t even remember.” So that was good 😉 and I thanked him for not letting me quit-I wanted to quit! And he said “No, you did good, you did really good.” We talked about how it was horrible but also at the same time...the word he used was “beautiful” but I would have probably picked “sacred” or something (cuz I mean...that was ugly!!)  But I knew what he meant I felt like we were on the same page. He told us he could remember the song that was playing-I asked what it was thinking it had to be Be Still My Soul or maybe Abide With Me or Come Thou Fount cuz those are the 3 I’ve listened to over and over and over since. But it wasn’t, it was Amazing Grace, Isaac said later “oh yeah as soon as he said it I remembered” I still didn’t remember. But then I looked it up on the Gentri album that I love and once I actually heard it I did remember. Vividly. It’s crazy but music has become very important to me. And that song is on my playlist with the others now! I was so thankful that he shared that with us though-just so grateful to see more of the “beautiful” side of things-and remember that (more than Ug you had to get a dead body out of me) we talked about a lot of things I asked a lot of questions like oh we could have tested this or that -should we have? but he said no not really-we did everything we should have. Overall I just really felt good about our visit there—all of that anxiety for nuthin! We’re still heartbroken of course but we are at peace with things too. Our faith is strong. So we’re slowly moving forward. 👍🏻

What else? 

Isn’t he too small for this nonsense? We only gets one body! And then our St Patrick’s day green! 

Yesterday we made a quick-super quick, last second decision to go quick- trip to Adam-ondi-ahmen to see Wayne and Teresa (Isaacs buddy Jesse’s parents) They got into town Wed but we couldn’t pull it off and we decided not to wait until the weekend. It was so fun to see them I’m even if it was super fast! We had signs and bribed the boys to sing the first verse of Adam-ondi-ahmen. I actually loved practicing with them on the drive over. 

It was so fun to see them but the other great news of that little drive was we got Riz’s headstone ordered. 😊😊😊

Tonight we had Dennis and the missionaries over-we love that! 

And this mornings shenanigans-tongue on a 9 volt and I ask the kid to put a shirt on and this is what I get. 

Alright well...we’ll see what next week holds! 

Often I try to sort out a few thoughts before I actually blog on Friday. Tonight I’m starting from scratch-whoops. 

Skiing..was fun. When I complained about something Isaac said “this is how we teach then” and it’s true, it takes time. But Seth was not game at ALL Tanner.., eh he eventually decided the “treadmill” hill was alright but wished he could go faster on it, and the two big boys had a blast. 

It was So HOT though. In the 60s is too hot for snow pants! There were people skiing in tank tops and short—we kinda wished it was us. We did quickly shed our coats, and then our jackets. 

The ski resort as we pulled up 🤣🤣

Not in Utah anymore.

Oh but I got ahead of myself-first the pool! 

Sethy wanted to go swimming for his birthday-he might have been in for 15 seconds...maybe...but if he hears me say that he quickly reminds me “toes toes” oh yeah, and he stuck his toes in too. Ha! Tanner was just mad we only stayed at the hotel one night. And we should have told the kids we were driving all night-we were in “are we there yet?” mode from about 10 minutes in and it was a 3 hour drive. 

Anyway, swimming-then back to skiing 

This little twerp might not be much for skiing (yet! ... he likes it in the front yard though) but he sure keeps me on my toes as far as laundry. If I don’t have a batch in-he puts it in! 

Sunday we had good enough weather to go on a little walk 😊 I don’t remember much else though. 

Monday I had my friend put a few highlights in my hair. Its been a long time, I just wanted subtle. When I got home Colt said “Mom you look the same, but a couple years younger.” 

🙌🏻🙌🏻 Colt you win buddy! 

Monday we also played a little baseball. These guys swings 👎🏻 All of them are atrocious. Who is there mother? Not pregnant any more -no excuses. Yikes. Hopefully we can do something about it. They had fun though and there’s value in that. 

Seth was helping dad wash cars while we played.

Isaac also took the tractor over and mowed a little at the cemetery. The big boys were riding bikes back over to shut the gates, Seth Tanner and I drove but Tanner and Cann had walkie talkies they were chatting back at forth car to bikes it was pretty fun. Tanner told me it was like having his own phone. 

That night we had the missionaries and Dennis over. We love them. 

Tuesday Isaac had a meeting then went down to dedicate Bro Rogers grave, then flew to New York to pick up a truck. He was really back by Thursday morning but it felt like he was gone forever! 

We survived. We went bowling on Wednesday. I don’t know what else. 

We got outside. 

Little more baseball, 

Hair cuts, well two at least. 

A St Patrick’s day treasure hunt with friends. 

We did the marshmallow patience thing for Come Follow Me-I couldn’t even get Seth to wait long enough for me to snap a pic. 

When I asked Isaac if I could blog about his “new” truck he was a little slow to respond, I said “ok I’ll hold off” then later he said I could. If he changes his mind I’ll delete them.

Tonight we went down to a wedding rehearsal. It still blows my mind that Isaac can marry people! This is his first one that’s like a ceremony and not just what I would call “a courthouse special” he had no idea what was going on though. The lady that worked at the venue was like “is this his first one?” 🤣 it was funny but it gave me a chance to drop the name of the church, and explain it’s not his job just his calling and that it won’t be forever...and yeah pretty much his first one.

I don’t know what else so I guess that’s it for now.